Dear Martha: teaching respect
by MARTHA
Dear Martha,
My oldest son, "James," went on his first date last week. He just turned 16 and hubs and I let him borrow the car to take "Emily" to the prom. We live in a neighborhood with a lot of families and James and Emily have always been good friends. I'll admit, I was a little teary-eyed taking pictures of him in his rented tux! He's growing up fast and now I'm entering a whole new world of parenting and I'm still learning how to navigate being a mom to a teenage boy full of hormones.
When James got back from the prom he was over the moon! He really likes Emily and insists they have a real spark and can be more than friends. He sent her expensive flowers a few days after prom and has been leaving messages for her. He's excited, trying to plan their next date and in fact trying to plan their whole summer.
Here's the problem. Emily's mom and I are good friends as well. We talked a bit last week at the mailbox and it sounds like the date didn't actually go as well as James thinks. Emily had a decent time at the prom but told her mom that James was being a bit... overbearing, and presumptuous about the future of their relationship. She even said that at the end of the night James was being "pushy." I didn't ask for details, and I'm not sure I want to know! Emily likes James as a friend but doesn't want a romantic relationship.
How do I explain this to James? I don't want to hurt my son's confidence, but I also want to let him know that he can't be pushy with girls and that not every girl he likes is going to like him back. This is probably going to be an uncomfortable talk for the both of us. Help!
From,
She's Just Not That Into Him
Dear SJNTIH,
Teenage boys might as well be a whole different species, so I understand that you're covering new ground here. Hark! The brave hero who wrangles this strange beast! What strikes me immediately is your clarity about the situation. Rather than defending James to Emily's mom, you noticed there might be a problem with James's behavior.
James doesn't know he crossed a line. My guess is that you have taught him well and raised him to be a respectful person. You are obviously aware of his behavior and how he treats others. That said, there are less black and white ways to be disrespectful than first come to mind when you worry about a pushy teenage boy. Let me make something clear. It is one million percent normal (yes, that's a thing) for a teenager to have a huge crush on someone that doesn't like them back and just live inside of that blind spot for ages. Oh that skater in the leather jacket doesn't know I exist? Maybe worshipping at this shrine I built him and obsessing over the what-ifs will help! Remember that scene in Lady Bird where she writes her crush's name in permanent marker on her bedroom wall? Learning how crushes work and dealing with rejection is a crucial part of the high school experience. Most people are familiar with both sides of that coin.
However, you have touched on something that as a society, we have failed to teach our teenage boys: they are not entitled to anything a girl--or anybody--has to offer. They are not inherently deserving of a date or a goodnight kiss no matter how nice they think they are.
When I was in high school, I was asked to a dance by a boy that consistently made me feel uncomfortable. He would wait outside my house for me to get home, invite himself in, repeatedly call, and leave me gifts on my front porch. His friends pointed and laughed at us, loving the awkwardness. I felt violated just a little bit. At first, he wouldn't catch a hint. Then he wouldn't let me politely decline. And in the end, I got to deal with being shamed for giving him a firm no to his ask. A friend of his who I actually DID crush on called me out in front of everybody, stating emphatically that “you're not supposed to say no when you get asked to a dance!” This is absolutely not the message we want to be sending teenage girls whose autonomy and equality is already under attack.
When you sit down with James, I would make the conversation about this broader concept. He can navigate the uncomfortable situation with Emily on his own. You only need to give him the tools. Drive home the fact that the young women around him are his equals, that they are not a prize or a commodity. Remind him that they have all the freedom in the world to say no, and that when they do, he must listen, even if the no is barely audible. Point out that his friends might not know this, and he can be an example to them. These are values that often go unspoken or undefined; he might not be learning them at church or school. Speak them plainly and frequently and you will raise a son you'll always be proud of.
Yours respectfully,
Martha
If you have a question you'd like Martha to answer, please email it to DearMartha@theUtahBee.com. To read past advice from Martha