Dear Martha: making space for others' needs

by MARTHA

Dear Martha:

I have the boyfriend every woman wants. He is a grown-up but fun to be with. He has a sense of humor, a job, and a future. We have our differences and disagreements, but this feels like a sustainable relationship. But there is a problem.

He spends way too much time with an Indian Scout. In case you don’t know—and I wish I didn’t—that’s a motorcycle. Apparently a very cool one. But time isn’t really the issue. I am terrified. When he’s gone on his bike, I worry the entire time that I will get “that call.” I told him this (many times), but he just says I worry too much and that either of us could get run over crossing the street any time.

I feel like I’m trapped in that song about the rodeo, only he loves his damned old motorcycle as much as he loves me. What do I do?

Sincerely,

Not Your Motorcycle Mama

Dear NYMM,

This is not an exaggeration: every single person I’ve known who has owned a motorcycle has been in a motorcycle accident. Sure, crossing the street is dangerous, but how many people do you know that have had problems crossing streets?

Your guy, as special as he may be, is a black and white thinker. It’s hard to explain feelings that fall in the gray areas to a black and white thinker. It’s hard to explain worry. There is a sliding scale of danger. Walking down the sidewalk can be dangerous, but is it as dangerous as driving 65 mph on a dinky hunk of metal, cruising by SUVs and semi-trucks? Of course not. Your worries are not unfounded or irrational. And if he’s really a good partner, he will listen to you and respect your fears, even if he doesn’t understand them.

Ideally, the two of you can sit down and find a way to reach each other. Sometimes reframing your argument can be beneficial. I tend to communicate my conclusions, rather than my whole thought process, and giving some background on how a conclusion is reached can be enlightening. For example, instead of saying, “Don’t get on that hog, Baby! I don’t want to be a widow!” say, “Look, I know this is your hobby and something you get a lot of joy from, but please understand that while you’re gripping your ape hangers, I’m a jittery, nervous ball of anxiety.” His hobby shouldn’t make you miserable.

Now, before all you belly shovers and road captains roll your eyes, allow me to continue. If he is willing to make space for your anxiety, you are obligated to make space for this thing that brings him joy. I understand, you can’t help but worry. Is there a way you can ease your worry while he’s on the road? Can you fill that time with an activity that will take your mind off it? Have you tried any of the tried-and-true anxiety relievers like yoga, meditating, doing something creative, or reaching out to friends? Some of these things might take the sting off at least. Find something that works for you.

COMPROMISE. That dreaded word. But compromise doesn’t have to mean sacrifice. In the end, it should feel like you’re both getting some of what you want. Your guy can cut down on his time and make an effort to be safe, and in return come home to a happier partner. You can find an outlet for your anxiety, and not suffer while he’s gone. Win-win.

I will never understand the appeal of potentially life threatening hobbies, but you don’t have to understand it to make space for it. Just like your guy doesn’t have to understand your worry to respect it. This is how relationships work. You won’t understand each other perfectly all the time, but you don’t need to.

Just make sure your guy always wears a helmet.

Yours respectfully,

Martha

If you have a question you’d like Martha to answer, please email it to DearMartha@theUtahBee.com. To read past advice from Martha go here.