Dear Martha: divided loyalties

by MARTHA

This Dear Martha question originally ran on June 6, 2018. 

Dear Martha,

I was raising my children in the predominant religion of the state, but stopped practicing when my children were teenagers. We all transitioned well out of the church. I am open with my children about many things, including talking to them openly about sex. As we left the church, my opinions and our conversations changed.

When my daughters went to college, I made sure they were on birth control. We have talked about their physical relationships with men and I am able to advise them on this subject far more than my parents were ever willing to advise me.

This is where I need advice. My niece just started college and is very close to her cousins, my daughters. She told me, with their prodding, about a man she is physical with. The problem is she is nervous to get on birth control and is unwilling to talk to her mother (my sister) about the subject. Her mother is still active in the church and would not be okay with birth control (she made that clear when she heard my daughters were on it).

I am not sure what to do. Should my loyalties fall to my niece, who may be faced with an unwanted pregnancy before she is ready? I think she would be willing to see a doctor and get on birth control with my encouragement. Or should I be loyal to my sister, who I believe is not thinking clearly on this issue?

Please help,

Divided Loyalties

Dear Divided Loyalties,

Yay! Congratulations, you won a one-way ticket to Hard Feelings!  This ticket is non-refundable, non-exchangeable, and non-transferable.  Your prize includes an extended stay in a really uncomfortable place for as long as your sister wants! No?  No takers?

I usually try to take a metered approach when writing back but, this time, I'm going to go ahead and put my foot down: talk to your niece. She needs support.  She needs someone to talk to who will put things in perspective for her.  She needs to be educated about how to stay safe and healthy. If she is starting down the road of sexual activity, education needs to happen now. When you're young, you don't realize how high the stakes are and how easy it is to change your life forever.  We need to do right by our kids. Nothing is more important.

Your sister disagrees with what "doing right" means, and that's ok.  You don't have to see eye to eye, but you are obligated to live with integrity which, in this case, will probably mean conflict.  You can also approach the situation with respect and consideration.  For example, make sure that your niece knows that helping her with birth control is not condoning or encouraging sex. Let her know that, even though you believe differently, you respect her mother's values. Encourage her to open up to her mother and talk to her about her own beliefs and how they are changing.

I'm not psychic, but I have a feeling that your sister is going to feel betrayed.  She's going to think you have been sneaking around behind her back to pull her daughter away from a religion that you chose to leave. I would nip this in the bud and tell her up front.  If YOU start the conversation, she is less likely to have that gross feeling you get when you find out someone you care about is going behind your back.  If you try to communicate your intentions and remind her that you are trying to protect and care for her daughter, perhaps you can minimize the damage. If your niece doesn’t want her mom to know the details, that’s also fine. Ask if she is at least willing to let her mom know that she went to a doctor to talk about birth control.

You and your sister are standing on different sides of a religious divide. Religion is tied up in our hearts and our history, and untangling can mean loss and pain on both sides. I don't pretend to have all the answers regarding this quagmire, but I have faith that common ground can be found.  If you agree, keep this at the front of your mind. Your souls have lived side by side in your journeys on earth.  Even when something as big as values (values designed for concepts as big as eternity!) separate you, perhaps you can both work on building a bridge to once again stand next to each other. There will be bumps along the road, of course. I guess I'm only communicating in metaphors now. This bump in the road on the way to your bridge (I'm fully committed in the metaphor now) is a chance to open up, explore and understand your differences, and to love each other anyway.

Yours respectfully,

Martha

If you have a question you'd like Martha to answer, please email it to DearMartha@theUtahBee.com. To read past advice from Martha go here.